Forgive Me NOT

To forgive, or not to forgive...such a hard  question eh? I often am torn on this subject. I tend to side with my Gemini nature and forgive too much (is that possible?) or refuse to forgive at all. When I am confused or question what is right and wrong, I look to my bible-loving friends for the correct answers. They like me, I ask questions alot and thankfully they are patient with me.
     About two years ago I came to them with a question about a former best friend of mine. This girl, we'll call her Boot Face (just because I have a little evil in me). Boot Face was my best friend for a few years. We were super close and she was more my sister than a friend. We relied on each other and often only had each other to lean on in the tough times of Freshman, Sophomore and Junior year. Well let's sum this relationship up in one word - Jealousy! With jealousy comes envy, comes rage and anger and hatred. It's hard to explain the relationship without sounding cocky. So imagine me being honest, not being boistrous, k?
     Alright, relationship starts in 9th Grade. I am short, long dark hair, big brown eyes, around 105 pounds and super spunky. I date the most popular and hottest guy in school. I win the award for Best Dressed. I have several enemies who want to "beat my ass" (gangster bitches) because I am "white washed" and "act like I'm better than everyone else". HA! Ok now Boot Face is slightly taller, acne face, dirty blonde and 160+ pounds but very nice. Has no boyfriend and no one wants to beat her ass because not many people know her. Skip to Sophomore and Junior year-I'm still the same, short skinny and dating a popular hot boy. However, I'm removed from the gangster bitches so no one wants to beat my ass lol. Add to the fact that my brother is the most popular guy in school, a Senior known for kicking ass. SCORE! Anyway, she's still the same but less nice and more "lost".
     I began hanging with my boyfriend, who happened to be my first love. So obviously my time was spent loving the hell out of him. I made alot more friends, had more things to do and she was lost in there somewhere. No boyfriend, only me and our other friend I'll call "Dawn". My boyfriend and his friends did not care for Boot Face, nor did my other friends. Boot Face wasn't friendly to many, she ultimately became an extreme liar and manipulator (which I didn't find out til Junior year). To cut this long ass story short, she had extreme jealousy issues with me that she let get the best of her.
     Come mid Junior year, Dawn (my new BFF), and I had become super close and Dawn and Boot Face now disliked each other due to a fall out between us all that summer before. Due to a MAJOR lie we eventually found out, Dawn no longer trusted Boot Face and I felt uneasy around her. A few months into Junior Year something really stupid caused a fight between us all, which turned into World War III, I kid you not! So it became Dawn and Bree VS Boot Face.
     Boot Face decided to go make friends, FINALLY. Only to my disgust, she befriended my enemies I made along the way (isn't it always over a boy? lol) and my cousin who currently disliked me because her boyfriend was friends with me (LAME). So she raged this war with me, which kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. You hear on the news "Bullies At School", yeah I lived it ALL. The hate IM's and threatening e-mails, the long nasty stares, the "You should just die" notes, the ass kicking after class talk, the serious-i'm-going-to-kill-you threats, bullying, rumors spread, following in the car and to class.....just about everything you hear happening to kids in school, I lived it all...EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! The bullying wasn't til Senior Year, the dirty looks and what not was just late Junior Year.
     The police were involved, restraining order was served, parents called, IM's printed, e-mails turned in.....which ultimately led to a fight. Here's how it happened:
"If she looks at me one more time, I'm going to kick her ass"
(Yeah, you guessed it. I looked at her lol)
Threw her books down in the hall and charged after me.
Boyfriend jumped in my way but yeah, I'm little, but I'm a mean little shit.
     There was hair pulling, nail scratching, punching and booting in the face.....oh and bottle throwing. I'll say I'm proud of it, but the adult side of me says I'm not proud that there was a physical fight. Did I win? What do you think?! The skinny vice principal was holding her back. The 240+ pound principal was SITTING on me holding my arms down. Took him awhile to pull me off her, I literally dug my nails into her to keep ahold of her while they pulled her away from me. (Funny quip, I later saw her at a party and when she bent over, her shirt went up and I saw my claw marks all over her, looked like massive stretch marks).
     Let me just tell you, I gave very vague details on what happened. The things said and done would normally have caused a teenager like me with less confidence to probably committ suicide. I say that only because I have watched shows on it where that is actually what ended up happening. Sad thing is, had I done it, those girls would not have felt bad, they would have been happy. Shows you just how evil they really are.
     Skip ahead five years later, I have this former friend asking to be friends, saying she's "over the drama" and has "grown up". Needless to say, I was shocked, appauled and disgusted. It was her attempt at asking for forgiveness, but throwing in there that SHE basically forgave ME. For what?! I pondered over it awhile and read it to many who were like WTF!! I did not respond and let it go. Six months later however, I got another myspace friend request from her saying "I'm over it, if you are. :)". Hint not taken. I really thought about responding to it but knew it would turn into something ugly.
     I turned to my bible friends Dawn and Doc. They advised me of God's policy to forgive. Part of the process of forgiving from Jesus's point of view is to rid your heart of hatred and anger and all those yucky lingering feelings. Well, I was over it. I didn't think of her as a good person, but I didn't have lingering feelings anymore, I just didn't care. Too much time had passed that it meant nothing to me anymore. That was good enough for me, forgiveness seemed like something she didn't earn.
     Anyway, the advice I received was:
"Yes you are supposed to forgive. It is demanded."
"If someone asks for forgiveness, you MUST give it to them."
     So of course the spunky monkey in me thinks...hum, she didn't straight out ask for forgiveness, so TADA I don't have to give it. When I asked, ok can I forgive someone but not have to tell them? Yes, was the answer. I essentially was trying to get out of it, or find the loophole in the act of forgiving. This is really the only time I truly had to think about it, because I naturally forgave all sins against me easily. I was in a tough spot, thinking I wasn't going to go to Heaven because I hadn't forgiven someone.
     Then comes two situations that happened in my life late last year and just a few months ago. These were situations where only words were used. Words to me generally mean nothing, I can forgive them. Though I do find it hard to get over them sometimes due to the fact I speak my mind and don't intentionally say things to hurt someone, I say them because I MEAN them. Anyway, the words used were extremely hateful and very unwarented. Everything that was said was not in any way used to try to correct something wrong that I had done. It was meant to hurt me, tear me down and make me look like a horrible person. I was personally attacked in ways NO PERSON should be, but also in no way a WOMAN should.
     I was never asked for forgiveness,  or apologized to in any way, shape or form. Though it was later claimed that it happened. In this situation I wasn't lucky enough to graduate and get the hell away. I'm sorta stuck with them, in a minor way, but stuck none-the-less. I have battled for MONTHS about this thing called forgiveness and have tried it, then renigged on it. This situation has me in such a downward spiral at times. I keep telling myself, they are just words Bree, just words, none of them were even close to being true, let it go, let it go. But when I begin to TRY to let it go, I find myself thinking, It just isn't right to let people treat you like that.
     I believe, that as a person, you have the right to say "You are not allowed in my life anymore" because you don't feel they get that right. I give people chances (too many if you ask me). And often it backfires because ultimately people don't want to change. They will keep hurting you if you allow them too. So I have given myself that right over these past 13 years. If you don't deserve to be in my life, GET TO STEPPIN BIZNATCH!!! Am I right? Yeah, I thought so. But still, the question is....Do I still have to forgive? Is there a time limit on forgiveness?
     This is what the Bible says.....

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Luke 6:37

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Matthew 6:14-16

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

"In summary and in closing, we forgive out of obedience to the Lord. It is a choice, a decision we make. However, as we do this "forgiving," we discover the command is in place for our own good, and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom."

     So after reading that, I was like SNAP!!! Must I really forgive all these people who have wronged me? Do I really? Must I? Come.....on......
     In return, if it REALLY has to be done because Jesus says to, then yeah I can. But I don't think forgiveness is an instant reaction. I think you're allowed time to grieve, or be lost, or angry, or disappointed, even hurt. Forgiving someone comes in time I believe. It also does not come faster, or easier when being forced to do so. In these two isolated situations I have been told it's ok to NOT forgive in one situation and then pushed very hard to forgive in the other.
     Yes, I can forgive Boot Face. Enough time passed, I grew, I learned, I held my head high. The gold star in this situation is that I never have to see her again. I choose to not let her be in my life. Easy peesy.
     Then comes situation two. I never get the chance to heal, take a break or be away from this. I want to be able to say BAM I forgive you, now go away. But I almost literally cannot do so. If the world was nice to me, I'd get the same easy way out as with situation one. But I am not so lucky. Everyone involved in this is one sided. All I want is to be left alone, just leave me alone, let me be happy. If an emergency comes, or contact is a MUST, then fine, I'll do it. Otherwise, it should be "I don't like you, You don't like me, We agree to ignore each other." To be honest, it really isn't that hard. Only one person in this senario (the one caught in the middle) gets hurt in one way or another. But you can't force people to get along. If you get along with both sides, then great, you have it the best. But don't force these other people to get along only for your benefit. It makes it worse.
     I believe in time I can forgive. But right now, I just want the chance to be hurt and mad and angry. Comments keep coming, mean things still get said, and it all gets back to me one way or another, so when I've taken step two in forgiving, I'm drivin right back to Step One.
     So here I am, back at Step One. With all honesty, and using every thing in my heart - I really only seeing me forgiving and then moving on. It's sad for the one stuck in the middle, but to live a happy healthy life-I NEED this. As does the OTHER person in this story. This specific person does not need to live through people not liking each other, the drama that it involves and being treated badly either. Me, the person in the middle, and the one who shouldn't have to deal with it are ALL that matter to me.
     They are all that should matter. These people ARE the family. We should allow each other respect for these type of feelings and let them choose what is best. Otherwise you have a buch of unhappy people who resent the others for forcing them to do something they don't want to do.

".......and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom"

Give me my freedom.