Life Lessons, Lesson 1

Ever had one of those days where (whatever it was) sparked your memory and suddenly you were filled with, I dunno, anguish, sadness, regret, missed opportunities....stuff like that? Yeah, me too. My day is today. I threw myself a big pity party. Mostly this pity party was full of one quick shot at crying, but then lots and lots of thoughts. Generally, when these situations happen it's only one thing in general that I find myself mulling over. Today, it started as one thing, then gradually moved on to another, then another, than everything.
     I wondered, "Is this really my life?" "Is this really what my life was supposed to be?"
I was a little taken aback that this thought was running through my mind, because I think my life is just dandy. I really don't have much to complain about. I guess it was more or less everything I was less than impressed with, just BAM came at me. Like "HELLO, you have a problem with me, now fix me." But in unison, all my problems at once. My problems apparently are A-Holes!!
     I thought I had come to terms with most of these problems, like "Ah well, I missed out, it's ok." But obviously I still have some underlying desire to accomplish these things, or fix them at least. I can address some of these problems, but others I will keep to myself because they are private. So let's start:

Profession: I somewhat feel I missed the boat on finding my dream job. Growing up I wasn't quite sure what the ULTIMATE job was. I had the usual as a little girl, ballerina, and such. But never was like, 'When I grow up I wanna be ....'. It's almost like I grew up wanting to be a Housewife. A Desperate Housewife apparently. Anyway, like I was destined to be a Mom and Wife, 1950's style. I probably should have seen that coming. Growing up, all I did was play dolls and have my fake office. My passion in life was like Office Depot lol. I highly enjoyed filing papers, writing documents, typing, organizing, using office supplies and what not. My two other passions: poetry and book writing. It's hard to have a profession at writing if you didn't go to school for it. They frown upon you if you didn't get a degree in such. My dream was sorta like, Mom/Wife/Office Gal/Poet/Writer. Which is ok, I shouldn't be so down on myself because I'm not like Tyler, who has his dream and will/is accomplishing it. Another passion of mine, photography. But as I entered into that world, I found myself a nice BITCHFACE of a boss that sort of killed that dream. And instead of graduating and going to college, I graduated, moved out, and got a full time job. I skipped the college-switch-majors-seven-times-til-I-get-it-stage, and went right into full-time-job-get-married-have-babies-stage. See, I told you. I was more into family than career. Though I gotta say, my new dream at the time was being fullfilled. Once CSI began airing, I wanted to become one. Once I figured out how much bloody-mess I would be witnessing, I changed my mind. I was more into the "figuring stuff out" part. Always have been like that, I highly enjoy figuring things out, no matter what it is. That's when I entered my somewhat dream job. It was part law, part office. I was like SCORE! Kinda figured I was on my way. So I went to college, via the internet, and got my degree in Private Investigation. A colleague of mine introduced me to it, and it was instant, SNAP MY DREAM JOB. Studying and taking tests were not hard, they were interesting. Long story short, after having a baby, I realized it isn't the job I can have anymore. Running around with a gun, putting myself in danger, all this spy work wasn't going to cut it. As much as I LOVE that job, I can't put myself in danger when I have a child to raise. This dream, I have accepted letting go of it. The next dream came with the same job, but moved to another section of this business. Ok well let's just say it, I worked at a Half-Way House. I was in the residential side when I first began, then in the Treatment part when I came back. With this job, came the understanding of how drugs work on and in a person. How it affects them, their lives, and the people around them. Quite interesting job I tell ya. From this job came the dream of becoming a Drug and Alcohol Counselar. That lasted til I got pregnant and didn't think about it anymore. Was kind of depressing for me though. I have a light heart and it was very sad for me when I learned of regression, or plain ol' lying. Therefore I am again ok with the idea of letting this dream go. I simply don't have the tough heart for it. I gotta say, Avon really is a dream job. I have been in this business for seven years and it's awesome. I get to sell make up and clothes (and much more), but also buy lots of it for really cheap. Plus I get to understand what it's like having your own business and what goes into it. Writing up bills, making invoices, calculating things and what not, it's a big office job plus it ads to my girly side. But I don't sell to enough people for it to be a full time job. Right now I don't have the time to be delivering around town. Though it makes me enough to be happy. I enjoy being a Stay-At-Home Mom because it allows me to really take care of my daughter. But it leaves a little bit of sadness in my heart because I feel as though I have some great talent in me that I'm not using. Plus sometimes I have those people in my life that are Stay-At-Home-Mom-Haters. They think you don't do shit, don't earn your keep, and think you're lazy. It's sad, tends to hurt your feelings. I shall blog about this sometime. Anyway, I'm one of those people who is filled with ideas and inventions (CRAZY CRAFTY and CREATIVE), which leaves me with lots of dreams that don't necessarily become reality. I think I've come to terms with that. I think now that I've sorta let it all out and analyzed it a bit, I'm not so sad about it anymore. I get to be a Mom and Wife for the rest of my life, which are really my true dreams. I have a job that let's me be girly, but office gal too. Plus, there are other business adventures in my future which will offer me more of an accomplished feeling as well.

All in all, after writing and reading this, I'm more at peace. I feel less un-accomplished and more appreciative of the things that I have accomplished and what's left out there to accomplish. I think I just wasn't meant to be one of those people who was career driven and went to College for four or six years and then became head honcho. I was more family driven, keeping my nurturing side, but also working with what I love to have jobs that excite me. Eh, whatever. I think I'm doing just fine.
(To Be Continued)